What I don’t know how to describe is the pain,
the brutality of saying no,
the agony of walking away,
prying my own hand, and making him go.

I could have slapped myself
for forcing me,
attacked myself
for accosting me,

when this is all I’ve ever wanted,
when this has been six months of aim,
when delight with him is never stunted,
when feelings roar like a hurricane,

when attachment and entanglement
have bonded me through intimacy,
when we pursued and were pursued,
when he was a best friend to me.

Now let me just erase my thought-life.
Let me change my daily rhythm.
Let me alter how my planet revolves.

Am I not who I’ve been ever since the beginning?

Let me shred my universe.
Let me mutilate my heart.
Let me change my hope’s old compass.

Wasn’t I me from the very start?

Why do you think it took me so long,
though always sensing something was wrong?

You won’t be here when tears overflow
though it’s freedom and peace that I’m seeking to know.

You take it and run, for you’ve got to move on,
and I won’t tell you to hold on,

while I just try to erase my thought-life,
strive to change my daily rhythm,
alter how my planet revolves.

Am I not who I’ve been ever since the beginning?

Without you noticing, I’ll shred my whole universe.
Without your solace I’m accustomed to, I will mutilate my heart.
Without you sensing, I’ll change my hope’s compass,

without my best friend knowing who I’ve been from the start.

I follow though I do not know
or recognize 
my heart.

“Are you sure?”
Child, trust me.

I’m moved by 
I can recognize
I know my

foreign heart.

2 thoughts on “Excruciate

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s